SOUTHERN ADVICE
If you are from the northern states or Canada and planning on visiting
or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will
help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheeldrive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they
live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's"
is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from 'round here, 'er ya?

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most
Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of
them are in denial about it.

There is also the ever popular "fixin' ta", for instance; "I'm fixin' ta
go to the store".

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever
say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. And It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just
have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns,
they are proficient marksmen, and their Mamas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches'

The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names. The South has double first names.

The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.

The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.

The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had
kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

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