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PSYART  June 2003, Week 1

PSYART June 2003, Week 1

Subject:

Weekend humor

From:

Norman Holland <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Institute for Psychological Study of the Arts <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Fri, 6 Jun 2003 18:44:31 -0400

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (171 lines)

GONE FISHING

Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing.

He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he
goes...all day long.

So one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch,
puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his
boat to the truck.

Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and
turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all
day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips
back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily
replies, "Can you believe my crazy husband is out fishing in that stuff?"
_________________________________________________________

A Smirk Of Wisdom

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt
or a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So, if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique
-- just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

Remember, when someone annoys you,
it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm
and smack that jerk upside the head.

The things that come to those who wait
are what's left behind by those
who got there first.

Never underestimate the power
of stupid people in large groups.

Taxation WITH representation
isn't so hot, either!

Some days you are the bug,
some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.

Good judgment comes from bad experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Timing has an awful lot to do
with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force.
It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

I didn't say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame you.

Eagles may soar,
but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories about arguing with women.
Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking,
you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.

Anything worth taking seriously
is worth making fun of.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie"
while looking for a bigger stick.

Before you criticize someone,
you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away,
and  you have their shoes.

If Barbie is so popular,
why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable;
if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want
if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
_____________________________________________________________________

TECH HELP

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that
had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition,
Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and
NCAA 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate
***************************

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command
C:/ITHOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should
then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But
remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background
applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create
SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall
another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and
will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to
default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and
has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the
Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to enhance the system performance. I
personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Maker's Mark 4.5 combined
with such applications as that old stand-by... Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
________________________________________________________________

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January 2001, Week 1
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December 1998, Week 5
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December 1997, Week 5
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