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PSYART  December 2009, Week 3

PSYART December 2009, Week 3

Subject:

Re: Hollands' anniversary / life partners

From:

Thoret Yves <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Discussion Group for Psychology and the Arts <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 19:12:46 +0100

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (140 lines)

Dear Norm, dear Jane,

Comme le temps passe....You are the image of an ever-lasting love and 
harmony in your feeding  of friendship across all nations and all cultrues.
Thank you so much to both of you for this friendly light.
Joyeux anniversaire, mes chez amis.
Yves

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Murray Schwartz" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Saturday, December 19, 2009 2:29 PM
Subject: Re: Hollands' anniversary / life partners



Dear Norm and Jane,

The end-of-semester rush kept me from congratulating you and Jane before 
now.  But now: Congratulations on your 55th!

Wish best wishes for many more, from Murray and Peggy, going on 46, and 
getting more ideal every day.


-----Original Message-----
From: Discussion Group for Psychology and the Arts on behalf of Norman 
Holland
Sent: Thu 12/17/2009 9:51 AM
To: [log in to unmask]
Subject: Hollands' anniversary / life partners

Dear PSYARTers,

Today the Hollands are celebrating their 55th anniversary.  We thought you
might find the piece of research below of interest,, as we did.  Note the
advice at the end about selecting a life partner--not that we followed it!
We weren't thinking that clearly.

                      --With warm regards,

                                   Norm (and Jane)


Michelangelos Make Smart Lovers

New study shows that partners sculpt each other to achieve their ideal
selves
By Pat Vaughan Tremmel

EVANSTON, Ill. --- Is that really Bob? You've seen him hundreds of mornings
for the last 10 years at local coffee shops. Since he started dating Sara,
he looks you in the eye -- and smiles. Sara takes every opportunity to let
coffee shop cronies know that Bob is her guy and to gush about how funny he
is. And he is. Who knew?

Think of Sara like Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble to
release the ideal figure slumbering within.

A new international review of seven papers on "the Michelangelo phenomenon"
shows that when close partners affirm and support each other's ideal selves,
they and the relationship benefit greatly.

"To the degree that the sculpting process has gone well, that you have
helped mold me toward my ideal self, the relationship functions better and
both partners are happier. And over the long term, I more or less come to
reflect what my partner sees and elicits from me," said Eli Finkel,
associate professor of psychology in the Weinberg College of Arts and
Sciences at Northwestern University.

Finkel co-authored the review with Caryl E. Rusbult, Vrije Universiteit
Amsterdam, and Madoka Kumashiro, Goldsmiths, University of London. "The
Michelangelo Phenomenon" appears in the December issue of the journal
Current Directions in Psychological Science.

The Michelangelo effect is not simply about supporting your partner, nor is
it about promoting what you think your partner's ideal self should be. "Even
if partners treat us in perfectly loving, supportive ways, if the treatment
is not consistent with the person we dream of becoming, we have to pay
attention to those red flags," Finkel warned. "Is that the person you want
to be married to 10 years down the road?"

The Michelangelo studies show that close partners sculpt one another's
traits and skills and promote, versus inhibit, one another's goal
achievement. "It's not just that you treat me positively," Finkel said. "You
treat me in particular ways that dovetail with my ideal self."

That's how Sara, an outgoing person with a great social network, brought
Bob's best out in him. Sara made Bob more comfortable being the person he
wanted to be. With Sara celebrating his ideal self, he became much funnier.

Just as the sculptor chisels, carves and polishes away flaws in the stone to
reveal the ideal form, so do skillful partners support their loved ones'
dreams, aspirations and the traits they hope to develop, such as completing
medical school or becoming more fluent in a second language or more
sociable.

Supporting a partner's image of his ideal self, whether it is a vague
yearning or a clearly articulated mental representation, helps the loved one
reduce the discrepancy between the actual self and the ideal self.

Sara consciously may interpret the disparities between Bob's actual self and
ideal self in a benevolent way. She may help Bob become more sociable at a
dinner party, for example, by subtly directing him to tell one of his most
charming stories.

Conversely, a relationship can run into trouble when an individual
emphasizes attributes that are peripheral to the core elements of what a
partner ideally wishes to become. Take Mary, a leading researcher and a
beauty. If she prizes her scholarly accomplishments above her physical
virtues, she will feel disaffirmed when her partner affectionately refers to
her as his "Colorado cutie." What that term of endearment represents could
ultimately doom the relationship.

Some people such as Sara, who is so warm and empathic, are better sculptors
than others and are particularly adept at bringing out others' ideal selves.
Some individuals may be on the verge of achieving great personal growth and
be open to any number of people who could help them. And others, the studies
show, may have a much more difficult time bringing out someone's ideal self
or be much more resistant to the Michelangelo effect.

The studies reviewed in the journal article used longitudinal procedures to
examine how people grow toward their ideal selves over time as a result of
how their partners treat them. At the beginning of the studies, individuals
reported on their actual and their ideal selves, and their partners reported
on how they view the individuals. To gain an external perspective, some
studies incorporated the perspective of the individuals' friends. Across
studies, individuals were especially likely to grow toward their ideal
selves when their partners viewed them in line with this ideal. The process
ultimately promoted both relational and personal well-being for both
partners.

"When deciding on a life partner, we consider many factors," Finkel
observed. "But we frequently neglect to think about whether the person I
hope to be in 10 years is consistent with the person you want me to be in 10
years. When our partners can chisel and polish us in a way that helps us to
achieve our ideal self, that's a wonderful thing."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Orange vous informe que cet  e-mail a ete controle par l'anti-virus mail.
Aucun virus connu a ce jour par nos services n'a ete detecte.

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May 2004, Week 5
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April 2004, Week 5
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March 2004, Week 5
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March 2004, Week 1
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January 2004, Week 1
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December 2003, Week 3
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October 2003, Week 1
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June 2002, Week 1
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April 2002, Week 5
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April 2002, Week 1
March 2002, Week 5
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March 2002, Week 3
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March 2002, Week 1
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January 2002, Week 1
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November 2001, Week 1
October 2001, Week 5
October 2001, Week 4
October 2001, Week 3
October 2001, Week 2
October 2001, Week 1
September 2001, Week 5
September 2001, Week 4
September 2001, Week 3
September 2001, Week 2
September 2001, Week 1
August 2001, Week 5
August 2001, Week 4
August 2001, Week 3
August 2001, Week 2
August 2001, Week 1
July 2001, Week 4
July 2001, Week 3
July 2001, Week 2
July 2001, Week 1
June 2001, Week 5
June 2001, Week 4
June 2001, Week 3
June 2001, Week 2
June 2001, Week 1
May 2001, Week 5
May 2001, Week 4
May 2001, Week 3
May 2001, Week 2
May 2001, Week 1
April 2001, Week 5
April 2001, Week 4
April 2001, Week 3
April 2001, Week 2
April 2001, Week 1
March 2001, Week 5
March 2001, Week 4
March 2001, Week 3
March 2001, Week 2
March 2001, Week 1
February 2001, Week 4
February 2001, Week 3
February 2001, Week 2
February 2001, Week 1
January 2001, Week 5
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January 2001, Week 3
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January 2001, Week 1
December 2000, Week 5
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June 2000, Week 5
June 2000, Week 4
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June 2000, Week 1
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May 2000, Week 1
April 2000, Week 5
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April 2000, Week 1
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December 1999, Week 5
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December 1998, Week 5
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July 1998, Week 1
June 1998, Week 5
June 1998, Week 4
June 1998, Week 3
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June 1998, Week 1
May 1998, Week 5
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May 1998, Week 1
April 1998, Week 5
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December 1997, Week 5
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September 1997, Week 1
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August 1997, Week 3
August 1997, Week 2
August 1997, Week 1
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July 1997, Week 3
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June 1997, Week 4

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