Many congratulations Norm and Jane. I have been married for over 30 
years - although to 3 different people (not at the same time). Wish I'd 
read that article forty years ago . . .

Best,

Garry

Garry Kennard
Director
Art and Mind
www.artandmind.org
www.garrykennard.com

On 17 Dec 2009, at 14:51, Norman Holland wrote:

> Dear PSYARTers,
>
> Today the Hollands are celebrating their 55th anniversary.  We thought 
> you might find the piece of research below of interest,, as we did.  
> Note the advice at the end about selecting a life partner--not that we 
> followed it!  We weren't thinking that clearly.
>
>                       --With warm regards,
>
>                                    Norm (and Jane)
>
>  
> Michelangelos Make Smart Lovers
>
> New study shows that partners sculpt each other to achieve their ideal 
> selves
> By Pat Vaughan Tremmel
>
> EVANSTON, Ill. --- Is that really Bob? You've seen him hundreds of 
> mornings for the last 10 years at local coffee shops. Since he started 
> dating Sara, he looks you in the eye -- and smiles. Sara takes every 
> opportunity to let coffee shop cronies know that Bob is her guy and to 
> gush about how funny he is. And he is. Who knew?
>
> Think of Sara like Michelangelo chipping away at a block of marble to 
> release the ideal figure slumbering within.
>
> A new international review of seven papers on "the Michelangelo 
> phenomenon" shows that when close partners affirm and support each 
> other's ideal selves, they and the relationship benefit greatly.
>
> "To the degree that the sculpting process has gone well, that you have 
> helped mold me toward my ideal self, the relationship functions better 
> and both partners are happier. And over the long term, I more or less 
> come to reflect what my partner sees and elicits from me," said Eli 
> Finkel, associate professor of psychology in the Weinberg College of 
> Arts and Sciences at Northwestern University.
>
> Finkel co-authored the review with Caryl E. Rusbult, Vrije 
> Universiteit Amsterdam, and Madoka Kumashiro, Goldsmiths, University 
> of London. "The Michelangelo Phenomenon" appears in the December issue 
> of the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science.
>
> The Michelangelo effect is not simply about supporting your partner, 
> nor is it about promoting what you think your partner's ideal self 
> should be. "Even if partners treat us in perfectly loving, supportive 
> ways, if the treatment is not consistent with the person we dream of 
> becoming, we have to pay attention to those red flags," Finkel warned. 
> "Is that the person you want to be married to 10 years down the road?"
>
> The Michelangelo studies show that close partners sculpt one another's 
> traits and skills and promote, versus inhibit, one another's goal 
> achievement. "It's not just that you treat me positively," Finkel 
> said. "You treat me in particular ways that dovetail with my ideal 
> self."
>
> That's how Sara, an outgoing person with a great social network, 
> brought Bob's best out in him. Sara made Bob more comfortable being 
> the person he wanted to be. With Sara celebrating his ideal self, he 
> became much funnier.
>
> Just as the sculptor chisels, carves and polishes away flaws in the 
> stone to reveal the ideal form, so do skillful partners support their 
> loved ones' dreams, aspirations and the traits they hope to develop, 
> such as completing medical school or becoming more fluent in a second 
> language or more sociable.
>
> Supporting a partner's image of his ideal self, whether it is a vague 
> yearning or a clearly articulated mental representation, helps the 
> loved one reduce the discrepancy between the actual self and the ideal 
> self.
>
> Sara consciously may interpret the disparities between Bob's actual 
> self and ideal self in a benevolent way. She may help Bob become more 
> sociable at a dinner party, for example, by subtly directing him to 
> tell one of his most charming stories.
>
> Conversely, a relationship can run into trouble when an individual 
> emphasizes attributes that are peripheral to the core elements of what 
> a partner ideally wishes to become. Take Mary, a leading researcher 
> and a beauty. If she prizes her scholarly accomplishments above her 
> physical virtues, she will feel disaffirmed when her partner 
> affectionately refers to her as his "Colorado cutie." What that term 
> of endearment represents could ultimately doom the relationship.
>
> Some people such as Sara, who is so warm and empathic, are better 
> sculptors than others and are particularly adept at bringing out 
> others' ideal selves. Some individuals may be on the verge of 
> achieving great personal growth and be open to any number of people 
> who could help them. And others, the studies show, may have a much 
> more difficult time bringing out someone's ideal self or be much more 
> resistant to the Michelangelo effect.
>
> The studies reviewed in the journal article used longitudinal 
> procedures to examine how people grow toward their ideal selves over 
> time as a result of how their partners treat them. At the beginning of 
> the studies, individuals reported on their actual and their ideal 
> selves, and their partners reported on how they view the individuals. 
> To gain an external perspective, some studies incorporated the 
> perspective of the individuals' friends. Across studies, individuals 
> were especially likely to grow toward their ideal selves when their 
> partners viewed them in line with this ideal. The process ultimately 
> promoted both relational and personal well-being for both partners.
>
> "When deciding on a life partner, we consider many factors," Finkel 
> observed. "But we frequently neglect to think about whether the person 
> I hope to be in 10 years is consistent with the person you want me to 
> be in 10 years. When our partners can chisel and polish us in a way 
> that helps us to achieve our ideal self, that's a wonderful thing."
>