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Subject:

Re: History???

From:

Craig Andres <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Open Forum for Learning Assistance Professionals <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Tue, 22 Dec 1998 08:44:30 -0500

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (150 lines)

Norman Stahl wrote:
>
> >The scary thing is that these are the people who will be leading the
> >world in the next few years!!!!!!!!!!   AAAGGHHHH!
> >
> >YOUNG ENGLISH MINDS AT THEIR BEST .....
> >This is a compilation of actual UK student exam answers....
> >1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
> >hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by
> >Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
> >live elsewhere.
> >2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
> >of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
> >One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
> >3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
> >unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses
> >went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  He died before
> >he ever reached Canada.
> >4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
> >President Clinton would have liked to live in those days.
> >5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
> >wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
> >moth.
> >6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man with
> >the same name.
> >7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
> >people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
> >wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
> >8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
> >biscuits, and threw the Java.
> >9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
> >people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
> >10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
> >Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
> >he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
> >11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
> >playing the fiddle to them.
> >12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard
> >Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
> >for the same offence.
> >13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
> >writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses
> >and also wrote literature.
> >14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
> >while standing on his son's head.
> >15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
> >success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
> >shouted "hurrah."
> >16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
> >invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
> >the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
> >because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis
> >Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
> >17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
> >Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
> >birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his
> >plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and terectomies, all in Islamic
> >pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
> >Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
> >18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
> >Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
> >was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he
> >wrote Paradise Regained.
> >19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
> >great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
> >Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
> >20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
> >Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
> >settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
> >Smith was responsible for all this.
> >21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
> >tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
> >through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and
> >no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states
> >formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
> >Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
> >Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
> >declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin
> >died in 1790 and is still dead.
> >22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
> >secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people enjoyed the
> >right to keep bare arms.
> >23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
> >mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
> >with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
> >Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
> >went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
> >moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
> >supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
> >24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
> >Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
> >25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
> >noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
> >trees.
> >26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
> >large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster
> >which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
> >Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
> >Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very
> >large.
> >27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
> >wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
> >was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
> >this.
> >28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
> >catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his
> >power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
> >children.
> >29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
> >Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
> >30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
> >63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was
> >the final event which ended her reign.
> >31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
> >inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
> >reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
> >network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
> >raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
> >32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
> >naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
> >radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
> >33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
> >Arch-Duck by an analist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
> >history.
> >
> >
>
> *********************************
> Norman A. Stahl, Chair
> Department of
> Curriculum & Instruction
> Northern Illinois University
> DeKalb, IL  60115
>
> Telephone:
> (815) 753-9032 {office}
> (815) 753-9040 (FAX)
>
> Email: [log in to unmask]

--
Craig Andres
Tutor Program Coordinator
[log in to unmask]
(810)-762-9500 ext.5842
Kettering University
(Continuing the GMI heritage)

"With willing hands and open minds, the future will be greater than the
most fantastic story you can write.."  Charles Kettering.

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