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PSYART Home

PSYART Home

PSYART  September 1999, Week 3

PSYART September 1999, Week 3

Subject:

FRIDAY SILLINESS -- Lamentations

From:

Norman Holland <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Institute for Psychological Study of the Arts <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Thu, 16 Sep 1999 14:56:40 -0400

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (198 lines)

From:
        "Marian W. Price" <[log in to unmask]>

Wed 10:47 PM
I would not be sending this, lo, had I not laughed all the way thru.
                        --Best, Norm
---------------------------------
I've seen parodies of the King James Version of Leviticus before--but
never
as sustained a performance as this one. Parents may laugh (or groan) at
it.
The Mad Forwarder   PS There's a commercial at the end for anybody who
wants to order more Friday funnies.

---------- Forwarded Message ----------

From:   INTERNET:[log in to unmask], INTERNET:[log in to unmask]

>                       LAMENTATIONS OF THE FATHER
>                            by Ian Frazier
>
>
>                        Laws of Forbidden Places
>
> Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
> foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the
living room.
>
> Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with
cheese,
you may eat, but not in the living room.
>
> Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and
> of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you
> may eat, but not in the living room.
>
> Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
> may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
>
> Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups,
you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such
> therein.  Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet
> begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you
> drink.  But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something,
> then may you eat in the living room.
>
>
>                          Laws When at Table
>
> And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
> greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as it
> were.  Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,
> for that is an abomination unto me. Yea, even when you have an
> interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an
abomination,and worthy of rebuke.
>
> Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
> fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
> will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent
> away.
>
> When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and
> do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in
> order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be sent
> away.
>
> When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
> swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what
> is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
> hath done the same to you.
>
> Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize
the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe
your
> lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
>
> And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
> with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
> why.
>
> And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is
why.
>
> Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other,
> nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit
> like that, your hair will go into the syrup.
>
>
> And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
>
>
>                       Laws Pertaining to Dessert
>
> For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
> clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have
dessert.
>
> But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of
> your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not
> less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see,
> and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both
> forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
>
> But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
> still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave
the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small
> portion thereof.
>
> And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
> fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will
fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
>
>
>                             On Screaming
>
> Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are
given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are
> touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you
> point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to
you,
> scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server
may correct the fault.
>
> Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
> herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
> loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
> screaming.
>
> Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death,
> make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face,
> nor press your fingers to your nose.
>
> For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself,
> yet I shall not surely die.
>
>
>                       Concerning Face and Hands
>
> Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
> hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon
you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
>
> And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your
shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to
see.
>  Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its
> turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.
>
> Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you
> shall not go hence until I have done.
>
>
>              Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
>
> Bite not, lest you be also bitten again.
>
> Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any
kind;
> nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub
> yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
>
> Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
> afflict it with tape?
>
> And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the
> light and the book. Indeed, you shall drive me to madness.
>
> Nor forget what I said about the tape.

 ========================================================================
==

>   The FRIDAY mailings are distributed weekly, or whenever I have time.
If

>   you are not on the list aX-Mozilla-Status: 0009just e-mail a
SUBSCRIBE

>   request to  [log in to unmask]   If you would like to be taken
off

>   the list, an UNSUBSCRIBE message to the same address will do it.
These

>   are the lists currently available:
>   FRIDAY SILLINESS - Random nonsense and funnies,  collected from the
Net
>   FRIDAY GEEKINESS - Same, but with a techno twist
>   FRIDAY BAWDINESS - Humor that could offend your grandmother
>
 ========================================================================
==



========================== End Part 2 =============================

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March 2006, Week 2
March 2006, Week 1
February 2006, Week 4
February 2006, Week 3
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February 2006, Week 1
January 2006, Week 5
January 2006, Week 4
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January 2006, Week 1
December 2005, Week 5
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December 2005, Week 1
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November 2005, Week 1
October 2005, Week 5
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October 2005, Week 1
September 2005, Week 5
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September 2005, Week 2
September 2005, Week 1
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July 2005, Week 5
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July 2005, Week 3
July 2005, Week 2
July 2005, Week 1
June 2005, Week 4
June 2005, Week 3
June 2005, Week 2
June 2005, Week 1
May 2005, Week 4
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May 2005, Week 1
April 2005, Week 5
April 2005, Week 4
April 2005, Week 3
April 2005, Week 2
April 2005, Week 1
March 2005, Week 5
March 2005, Week 4
March 2005, Week 3
March 2005, Week 2
March 2005, Week 1
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February 2005, Week 2
February 2005, Week 1
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January 2005, Week 3
January 2005, Week 2
January 2005, Week 1
December 2004, Week 5
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December 2004, Week 3
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December 2004, Week 1
November 2004, Week 5
November 2004, Week 4
November 2004, Week 3
November 2004, Week 2
November 2004, Week 1
October 2004, Week 5
October 2004, Week 4
October 2004, Week 3
October 2004, Week 2
October 2004, Week 1
September 2004, Week 5
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September 2004, Week 3
September 2004, Week 2
September 2004, Week 1
August 2004, Week 5
August 2004, Week 3
August 2004, Week 2
August 2004, Week 1
July 2004, Week 5
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July 2004, Week 3
July 2004, Week 2
July 2004, Week 1
June 2004, Week 4
June 2004, Week 3
June 2004, Week 2
June 2004, Week 1
May 2004, Week 5
May 2004, Week 4
May 2004, Week 3
May 2004, Week 2
May 2004, Week 1
April 2004, Week 5
April 2004, Week 4
April 2004, Week 3
April 2004, Week 2
April 2004, Week 1
March 2004, Week 5
March 2004, Week 4
March 2004, Week 3
March 2004, Week 2
March 2004, Week 1
February 2004, Week 4
February 2004, Week 3
February 2004, Week 2
February 2004, Week 1
January 2004, Week 5
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January 2004, Week 3
January 2004, Week 2
January 2004, Week 1
December 2003, Week 5
December 2003, Week 4
December 2003, Week 3
December 2003, Week 2
December 2003, Week 1
November 2003, Week 5
November 2003, Week 4
November 2003, Week 3
November 2003, Week 2
November 2003, Week 1
October 2003, Week 5
October 2003, Week 4
October 2003, Week 3
October 2003, Week 2
October 2003, Week 1
September 2003, Week 5
September 2003, Week 4
September 2003, Week 3
September 2003, Week 2
September 2003, Week 1
August 2003, Week 5
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August 2003, Week 3
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August 2003, Week 1
July 2003, Week 5
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July 2003, Week 3
July 2003, Week 2
July 2003, Week 1
June 2003, Week 4
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June 2003, Week 1
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April 2003, Week 5
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April 2003, Week 3
April 2003, Week 2
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March 2003, Week 3
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March 2003, Week 1
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February 2003, Week 3
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February 2003, Week 1
January 2003, Week 5
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January 2003, Week 1
December 2002, Week 5
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December 2002, Week 2
December 2002, Week 1
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November 2002, Week 3
November 2002, Week 2
November 2002, Week 1
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October 2002, Week 4
October 2002, Week 3
October 2002, Week 2
October 2002, Week 1
September 2002, Week 5
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September 2002, Week 3
September 2002, Week 2
September 2002, Week 1
August 2002, Week 5
August 2002, Week 4
August 2002, Week 3
August 2002, Week 2
August 2002, Week 1
July 2002, Week 5
July 2002, Week 4
July 2002, Week 3
July 2002, Week 2
June 2002, Week 4
June 2002, Week 3
June 2002, Week 2
June 2002, Week 1
May 2002, Week 5
May 2002, Week 4
May 2002, Week 3
May 2002, Week 2
May 2002, Week 1
April 2002, Week 5
April 2002, Week 4
April 2002, Week 3
April 2002, Week 2
April 2002, Week 1
March 2002, Week 5
March 2002, Week 4
March 2002, Week 3
March 2002, Week 2
March 2002, Week 1
February 2002, Week 4
February 2002, Week 3
February 2002, Week 2
February 2002, Week 1
January 2002, Week 5
January 2002, Week 4
January 2002, Week 3
January 2002, Week 2
January 2002, Week 1
December 2001, Week 5
December 2001, Week 4
December 2001, Week 3
December 2001, Week 2
December 2001, Week 1
November 2001, Week 5
November 2001, Week 4
November 2001, Week 3
November 2001, Week 2
November 2001, Week 1
October 2001, Week 5
October 2001, Week 4
October 2001, Week 3
October 2001, Week 2
October 2001, Week 1
September 2001, Week 5
September 2001, Week 4
September 2001, Week 3
September 2001, Week 2
September 2001, Week 1
August 2001, Week 5
August 2001, Week 4
August 2001, Week 3
August 2001, Week 2
August 2001, Week 1
July 2001, Week 4
July 2001, Week 3
July 2001, Week 2
July 2001, Week 1
June 2001, Week 5
June 2001, Week 4
June 2001, Week 3
June 2001, Week 2
June 2001, Week 1
May 2001, Week 5
May 2001, Week 4
May 2001, Week 3
May 2001, Week 2
May 2001, Week 1
April 2001, Week 5
April 2001, Week 4
April 2001, Week 3
April 2001, Week 2
April 2001, Week 1
March 2001, Week 5
March 2001, Week 4
March 2001, Week 3
March 2001, Week 2
March 2001, Week 1
February 2001, Week 4
February 2001, Week 3
February 2001, Week 2
February 2001, Week 1
January 2001, Week 5
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January 2001, Week 3
January 2001, Week 2
January 2001, Week 1
December 2000, Week 5
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December 2000, Week 3
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December 2000, Week 1
November 2000, Week 5
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October 2000, Week 1
September 2000, Week 5
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September 2000, Week 1
August 2000, Week 5
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July 2000, Week 5
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June 2000, Week 5
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June 2000, Week 1
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April 2000, Week 5
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April 2000, Week 3
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April 2000, Week 1
March 2000, Week 5
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March 2000, Week 3
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March 2000, Week 1
February 2000, Week 4
February 2000, Week 3
February 2000, Week 2
February 2000, Week 1
January 2000, Week 5
January 2000, Week 4
January 2000, Week 3
January 2000, Week 2
January 2000, Week 1
December 1999, Week 5
December 1999, Week 4
December 1999, Week 3
December 1999, Week 2
December 1999, Week 1
November 1999, Week 5
November 1999, Week 4
November 1999, Week 3
November 1999, Week 2
November 1999, Week 1
October 1999, Week 5
October 1999, Week 4
October 1999, Week 3
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October 1999, Week 1
September 1999, Week 5
September 1999, Week 4
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August 1999, Week 5
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July 1999, Week 5
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June 1999, Week 1
May 1999, Week 5
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April 1999, Week 5
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April 1999, Week 1
March 1999, Week 5
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March 1999, Week 2
March 1999, Week 1
February 1999, Week 4
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February 1999, Week 1
January 1999, Week 5
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January 1999, Week 3
January 1999, Week 2
January 1999, Week 1
December 1998, Week 5
December 1998, Week 4
December 1998, Week 3
December 1998, Week 2
December 1998, Week 1
November 1998, Week 5
November 1998, Week 4
November 1998, Week 3
November 1998, Week 2
November 1998, Week 1
October 1998, Week 5
October 1998, Week 4
October 1998, Week 3
October 1998, Week 2
October 1998, Week 1
September 1998, Week 5
September 1998, Week 4
September 1998, Week 3
September 1998, Week 2
September 1998, Week 1
August 1998, Week 4
August 1998, Week 3
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August 1998, Week 1
July 1998, Week 4
July 1998, Week 3
July 1998, Week 2
July 1998, Week 1
June 1998, Week 5
June 1998, Week 4
June 1998, Week 3
June 1998, Week 2
June 1998, Week 1
May 1998, Week 5
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May 1998, Week 1
April 1998, Week 5
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December 1997, Week 5
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October 1997, Week 5
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August 1997, Week 3
August 1997, Week 2
August 1997, Week 1
July 1997, Week 4
July 1997, Week 3
July 1997, Week 2
June 1997, Week 4

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