11.  More fun English vocabulary: "Snogging" in public - yes; "wanking" in
public - Tower of London, Sir Peewee Herman suite

12.  Montreal - out.  If you want to go some place where they don't speak
English, try Glascow.  Or Detroit.

13.  With an increase of some 275,000,000 population, we shall at long last
be able to bring enough pressure to bear on the International Olympic
Committee to have "spanking" elevated to a medal event.   Send the pandas
back to China; all the bamboo will be relocated to the headmaster's office
at St. Bibliana's School for Young Ladies....

14.  "Bugger" probably does not mean what you think it means.  But with ARMA
leading the way, it will soon enough become a household word.

15.  Warm beer.  But wot ho, chaps, beer nonetheless.

16.  "Nickelodeon", by Act of Parliament, will henceforth be known as "The
Benny Hill Network".  And you can all forget that "Wizard of Oz" stuff once
a year; the new official television highlight of the year will be our
definition of high comedy, which is any man in a dress, preferably Sir
Milton Berle.   Or J. Edgar Hoover, CRM.

17.  Dentists will be hunted down like dogs; or like foxes, anyway.

18.  The new f-word is "bloody".  It is not as functional, but in a peculiar
sort of way, when - right smack dab in the middle of a heavy snogging
session - a young English lady says "'Ere now, get your bleedin' hand offa
my thigh", it sounds almost sexy.  Three weeks out of the month, anyway.

19.  Also by act of Parliament, you will all be required to start conserving
the definite article, of which we are in short supply due to mismanagement
by the Queen's Garter of the Exchequerry of Adjectives.  Money ("pounds",
"bob", "thruppence", etc.) is no longer "in THE bank"; it is now simply "in
bank".  It is now "Me old lady got snockered and fell down steps, and now
she is in hospital, great fat bloody cow".

20.  "West Virginia" is out; "Wales" is in.  Their respective populations
are, however, interchangeable.

21.  Speaking of the bovine - and we were - "The Vicar of Dibley" is in;
Rosie O'Donnell is out.   In the; "in pasture".

22.  Politics will be completely different now.  We reward our Prime
Ministers for leading us through world wars by tossing them out on their
ears.  Entire governments fall if the Right Honorable Third Assistant
Under-Secretary for Toll Roads gets caught looking at a bikini advertisement
in a "Harrods" catalogue; different from what you've grown accustomed to in
the last eight years, eh wot?  Remember when JFK was hosing Sam Giancana's
girlfriend on alternate Wednesdays?  Those days are over.

23.  Guess what "the loo" is.  Go on; guess.

24.  The Inland Revenue would like a word with you about the Boston Tea

25.  "McDonalds" is out; "Sweeney Todd" is in; you may not notice any
difference, however.  "Hold the pickle, hold the lettuce; ground up limeys
don't upset us".

26.  The "Cornwalliston Redskins" has a nice ring to it, eh wot?

27.  "Lieutenant" sounds like someone living in a public latrine;
"LEFtenant" is the way it will be pronounced from now on.

28.  "Bum" will no longer mean "hobo".  As if.

Oh dear, what can the matter be,
    seven old ladies got stuck in the lavatry
they were locked in from Sunday till Saturday,
    and nobody knew they were there….
[fast forwarding….]

The next to go in was old Mrs. Humphrey,
    and when she sat down, she got cozy and comfy,
but when she stood up she couldn't get her bum free,
    and nobody knew she was there….

29.  Cows (again) will no longer get even.  They will get mad.

and finally,

30.  You WILL eat something that is actually named "toad-in-the-hole".

and really finally,

31.  For a clearer understanding of what constitutes "the hole", see

Harry F. Paget

>From: Kay Lewis <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: [log in to unmask]
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Date: Thu, 23 Nov 2000 08:29:59 +1100
>I couldn't resist posting this...............
>To the citizens of the United States of America,
>In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
>govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>independence, effective today.
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
>all US states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
>does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for
>97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
>your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
>further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
>questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
>are introduced with immediate effect:
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>look up aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
>just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise
>your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
>twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
>know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf.
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
>really isn't that hard.
>4. You should immediately declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
>weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
>that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
>The Russians have never been the bad guys.
>By the way, "Merde" is French for "shit*t".
>5. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys.
>6. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
>but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
>confused and give up half way through.
>7. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
>football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
>The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
>may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
>longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
>Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
>game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
>(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
>a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
>nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>Thank you for your cooperation.

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