The following are some seasonal pieces of humor. Please take them in the
spirit in which they are provided. If you don't want to be bothered with


Santa Is Quitting His Job
T'was the night before Christmas-Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"-what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money-The reindeer all fight.
> > > >
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
> > > >
And the kids these days-they all are the pits
They want the impossible-Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's-NO request for them,
They want computers and robots..they think I'm IBM!
> > > >
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job..there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
> > > >
There's no Christmas this year
now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde.
I'm going SOUTH for the season!
> > > >
> > > >


An announcement from Santa. . .
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only
areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.  However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
> >
 Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
> >
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
can handy.
> >
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my  reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
> >
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen... " when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,"On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
> >
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last
I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is
Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
> >
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
"It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area.Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol
cars crashing into each other.
> >
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
> >
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph
The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played onall the AM radio stations
in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shotthe
Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six
Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s"If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."
> >
> >
Sincerely Yours,
> >
Santa Claus
(member of North America Fairies and Elves Local209).

Peter A. Kurilecz CRM, CA
Manager, Records Management Group
Woodside Summit Group Inc
Midlothian, Virginia
Office: 804-744-1247 x23
Fax: 804-744-4947
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