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LRNASSTers,

For those of you who have been serious this year, here is some Christmas humor
to help you through those times.

Dave Caverly

******************

>THE GRINGRICH THAT STOLE CONGRESS ('95)

>  Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,

>  Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!

>  He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!

>  He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

>  The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,

>  He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.

>  He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,

>  He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!

>  He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,

>  Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

>  He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"

>  And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.

>  He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"

>  And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.

>  But he hated the people on welfare much more;

>  He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR POOR!

>  He hated the way they had no jobs at all,

>  This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL GALL!

>  They also lacked training and day care. So what?

>  The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:

>  "Get off of Welfare! Get off today!

>  Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

>  Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:

>  It could be because he had a small weenie.

>  It could be because he had Donahue hair,

>  Or maybe because not much lurked under there.

>  But probably what most explained the man's life

>  Was that he abandoned his children and wife.

>  Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead

>  Sickened with cancer, in a hospital bed.

>  He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)

>  And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"

>  He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal

>  And got down to work on his alimony deal.

>  And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,

>  I'm leaving for somebody younger - hip hip hooray!"

>  The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.

>  And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.

>  Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:

>  From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."

>  Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!

>  He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

>  He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:

>  A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.

>  George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);

>  "Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"

>  They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"

>  Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.

>  They flew to a basketball game late at night

>  And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.

>  They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"

>  Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.

>  What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!

>  What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

>  The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view

>  And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).

>  He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer

>  Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

>  He waited and waited and waited some more;

>  He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"

>  He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,

>  He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.

>  But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,

>  He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.

>  The people weren't happy, not happy at all!

>  They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!

>  They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!

>  We want all those costly old programs we had!

>  Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!

>  Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

>  And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight

>  Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.

>  They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,

>  They wanted full coverage for medical fees,

>  They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,

>  They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!

>  And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,

>  He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.

>  The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.

>  "Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"

>  They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,

>  They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.

>  The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight

>  Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.

>  "Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.

>  But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.

>  We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!

>  We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"

>  The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...

>  And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.


God, I love a story with a happy ending!
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