This is meant to be funny.  Hope nobody finds it offensive and that
everyone gets a little chuckle...

Psychiatric Hot Line:  Ring...Ring...Click

You have reached the Psychiatric Hot Line.

In order to serve you better, please choose from the following menu with
your touch tone phone.

"If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press one repeatedly."

"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press two."

"If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6."

"If you are paronoid delusional, we know who you are and where you live.
Stay on the line until we knock on the door."

"If you are schizophrenic, please wait until the little voice tells you
what number to press."

"If you are depressed, it doesn't matter what number you press.  No one
will answer because they don't care!"

"If you are delusional with hallucinations, please be aware that the
thing you are holding to the side of your head is alive and is about to
bite your ear off."