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>The scary thing is that these are the people who will be leading the
>world in the next few years!!!!!!!!!!   AAAGGHHHH!
>
>YOUNG ENGLISH MINDS AT THEIR BEST .....
>This is a compilation of actual UK student exam answers....
>1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
>hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by
>Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
>live elsewhere.
>2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
>of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
>One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
>3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
>unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses
>went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.  He died before
>he ever reached Canada.
>4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>President Clinton would have liked to live in those days.
>5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
>wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
>moth.
>6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man with
>the same name.
>7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
>people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
>wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
>biscuits, and threw the Java.
>9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
>people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
>10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
>Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
>he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
>11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
>playing the fiddle to them.
>12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard
>Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice
>for the same offence.
>13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
>writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses
>and also wrote literature.
>14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
>while standing on his son's head.
>15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
>success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
>shouted "hurrah."
>16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
>invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
>the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
>because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis
>Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
>17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
>Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
>birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his
>plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and terectomies, all in Islamic
>pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
>Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
>18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
>Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
>was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he
>wrote Paradise Regained.
>19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
>great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
>Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
>20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
>Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
>settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
>Smith was responsible for all this.
>21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
>tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
>through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and
>no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states
>formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
>Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
>Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
>declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin
>died in 1790 and is still dead.
>22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
>secure domestic hostility. Under the titution the people enjoyed the
>right to keep bare arms.
>23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
>mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
>with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
>Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
>went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
>moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
>supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
>24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
>Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
>25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly
>noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the
>trees.
>26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
>large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster
>which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
>Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
>Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very
>large.
>27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
>wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
>was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
>this.
>28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
>catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his
>power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any
>children.
>29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
>Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
>30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for
>63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was
>the final event which ended her reign.
>31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
>inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
>reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
>network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick
>raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
>32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
>naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered
>radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
>33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
>Arch-Duck by an analist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human
>history.
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*********************************
Norman A. Stahl, Chair
Department of
Curriculum & Instruction
Northern Illinois University
DeKalb, IL  60115

Telephone:
(815) 753-9032 {office}
(815) 753-9040 (FAX)

Email: [log in to unmask]